Before I start, congratulations/commiserations on your A-level results! I’m sure you got what you deserved/were ripped off by the exam board and want to remark at least two of your papers.
Even if you didn’t get the required nine A’s to pay £9000 a week for university in order to earn a good wage which will mostly be paid as tax, TV’s latest offerings may have cheered you up. Firstly, after a twelve and a half week goodbye on Channel 4 which ended with Davina being sacrificed by fire to appease the head of Endemol, Big Brother has reared its head again on Britain’s favourite, sorry, least favourite terrestrial channel, Channel 5.
Apparently the overall consensus concerning this newly polished Big Brother was that it had failed to draw in any A-listers to participate. Some would say that this is because it’s a dying format that’s been acting as a metaphorical nail in the coffin for the careers of washed up media garbage for years and is about as good at revitalising popularity as releasing a world cup single duet with Gary Glitter. However I beg to differ. The main reason Big Brother has no-one interesting involved is probably to do with a limited budget: in order to have enough people in the house for the programme to last its desired duration, the money available has to be spread across the wages of multiple D-listers. I sort of think Channel 5 should’ve done the opposite and just blown it all on one A-lister. They could’ve bought Will Smith and sent him into the house alone, only for him to become more and more bored and end up begging to the cameras for eviction as the nation watched on.
Sadly Channel 5 didn’t adopt this strategy and went for the usual ‘multiple housemate’ approach this time. Among these housemates this series were Britian’s favourite, sorry, least favourite entity, Jedward. I always assumed Jedward would slip down the media ladder towards the rung upon which Chico still clings but apparently their popularity is genuine and particularly strong in Ireland. Hilariously, Ireland actually got Jedward to meet Obama when he visited earlier this year, an act almost offensive to poor Barack as if the UK had got Richard Dawkins to greet the Pope on his visit to Britain.
Along with Big Brother, the programme that gave birth to the Jedward abomination also returned this week: the X-factor. But this time round the evil yet camp Simon Cowell decided not to bother judging and also banished his female compatriots; their replacements include a sort of borderline chav (Tulisa), a man who speaks exactly how you’d imagine a sloth to speak (Gary Barlow) and Kelly Roland (head of Roland Mints ltd.).
No doubt the X-factor will produce another terrible and pointless addition to the already congested wall of non-talent known as the UK Top 40. In fact, based on the usual low quality of winner on the X-factor, I’m starting to wonder if Cowell is merely using the franchise to highlight how a liberal democracy will always produce flawed results and to build support for a forthcoming attempt at a totalitarian regime:
“Look what happens when the people are allowed to vote!” booms Cowell, pointing towards Leon Jackson as he rallies further popularity for his fascist campaign in the year 2019. “The democratic system is flawed and always has been!” he barks as a crowd provide a wave of applause.
Anyway, as frightening and real as that image may seem, the X-factor’s popularity is still as strong as its ability to make fame without achievement seem worthwhile. So many people watch the final these days that channels like BBC3 that cater for a similar audience could literally broadcast nothing but hardcore pornography and subliminal messages for the entire evening and get away with it. They may well have during last year’s final; we’ll never know.
So, forget about those A-level results and go and watch reality TV shows- nothing cheers me up like laughing at the deluded and desperate, LOL!
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